Wipe that glum look off your face class! You may have spent the past week frolicking in parks, menacing at Maccy D’s and boozing at Spoons, but the fun is over. That half term week is in the past. Especially, as I’m pleased to tell you that there’s a helluva lot of cricket occurring around the world. How dare you groan! Focus those goggle eyes, pick up a pen and sit up in anticipation. For 5 Lessons Learned This Week is back…

1) Home Economics

Life lessons are often underrated in secondary school. As you’re thrown into the deep end of life, without armbands, will Pythagoras’ theorem really keep you afloat? Can the periodic table pay the rent? Do you think Derrida does the shopping? And for fucks sake who cares how to say, ‘the weather is fine today’ in Latin? A dead language Mrs Fig, a bloody DEAD LANGUAGE! But enough about my education. Although I can sign the words to the ‘Lord’s Prayer,’ so winning in one aspect.

School provides little value to everyday needs. However this is precisely why Ofsted never have the balls to rank me. We are mavericks here. Thus here’s a life lesson for you. Home Economics. Dusting, hoovering, cleaning the bog, changing a bulb and making the bed. Absolutely critical in ensuring your home is presentable. A happy home makes a happy family. Or if you live alone… a happy home makes a one night stand. Nothing more arousing for a girl than recognising a fellow Dettol user. Gets those clean sheets dirty in a jiffy. Or is it now ciffy?

Proponents of this ingenious teaching are India, who this week played their first match on home soil since losing to England. Unsurprisingly they smashed the West Indies in the first of a two test series. Victory by an innings and 272 runs; their biggest ever. Surrounded by familiarity as chief carver of the home Sunday roast, King Kohli sliced the Windies turkey open with zeal. Serving the veg? Ravindra Jadeja with a carrot peeling century. Turning those potatoes into crispy roasties? Kuldeep Yadav as he burnt Windies tongues. Finishing with a hip vegan dessert? Debutant Prithvi Shaw who whipped up a gorgeous 134.

Back home India destroyed West Indies. Home is where the heart truly lies.

2) DIY

Do it yourself. Or if you’re Steve Smith, BDIY. ‘Bancroft? Do it yourself!’ Emerging from bleary eyed hibernation this week has been Australia. Land of kangaroos, koala bears and kolossal c…heats! For it’s their first test series since they’ve been banned from B&Q. (Or whatever the Aussie version is, BBQ possibly?) Clearly there’s no Smith, Bancroft or Warner. Which, as we’re sure you’ll agree class, is a massive shame! Instead this Aussie side smells like a freshly changed nappy. Clean and new.

Not only are they nostrilly appealing but beauty doth appear on the eye too. With none of the ‘Troublesome Trio’ Justin Langer offers up a clean cut side. Full of names we barely recognise. Jon Holland sounds like an MP. Marnus Labuschagne, an exotic performer in Cirque Du Soleil. Peter Siddle… oh hang on I remember Sids! The Sun Cream Kid.

Debuts were handed out to Labuschagne, Travis Head and Aaron Finch, with the first two both out quicker than you can say ‘cheating Aussies.’ (Editor – hey now! Please apologise mate, we must presume they are all innocent now.)

Fine. Please accept my apologies reader. Australia are beginning a new dawn, full of hope, optimism… and horrific performances! For Pakistan have set them an impossible 462 for victory, after centuries for Hafeez and Sohail in their first innings. An apparent flat road suddenly sizzled into life with the wicket of Finch. Australia collapsed from 142-0 to 202 all out. 33 year old Bilal Asif sparkling with 6 wickets. Thus Australia, led by Tim Paine, must attempt to begin their new era with a ginormous chase.

Builder Bancroft watches on.

3) Radiology

When Marconi transmitted the first fuzzy radio signals back in 1895, he had no idea what schisms his invention would create. Yes class that is an actual fact. From Australia to Antarctica, radio waves lap across the globe. Providing a source of comfort, pleasure and joy. Unless of course you’re an England cricket fan.

For currently there is a battle of epic proportions. One which may change the landscape of cricket coverage forevermore. At this precise second over in Dambulla, England’s first ODI against Sri Lanka is occurring. Those without the money mountain of Sky know precisely what to do. Tune into Radio 5 Live Sports Extra for Test Match Special. But what’s this? Nothing is playing? Gasp! Oh what horror, outrage and abomination. TMS isn’t broadcasting live England cricket? Surely there’s a mistake? Maybe the line is down? Let’s toggle the switch…

‘You join us live for ball by ball commentary…’ Ah that’s better we have cricket. Hang on. Since when did Mark Nicholas join TMS? Is that the Yorkshire brawl of Goughie? What flippin’ station are we on?


Yes dear reader TalkSport Towers have dipped into their cavernous pockets and bought overseas rights. They’ve got Nicholas, Prior, many Sky Sports pundits and of course Gareth Batty. We’ve got a headache. However our valiant knights at TMS aren’t quite vanquished. For if you click on the BBC Sport webpage you will find… the Cricket Social. Based in the Salford studio your favourite faces are covering the tour. And what fun they’re having! From a dry, warm studio we’ve already had Tuffers bring in party snacks, Vaughan mention a dozen product names and Andy Zaltzman bamboozle with stats. As Marconi turns in his grave, the battle has begun…

The Cricket Social vs TalkSport

Who’s your money on?

4) Geography

Our penultimate lesson this week is all about a process known across the Asian lands; the monsoon. Sweeping across Sri Lanka, this downpour of rain and incessant wind occurs in two patches. A monsoon brings rain to the south west between May and September, whilst the northern parts are affected over October and January. Hence planning a trip around the exotic island must be done with care. To make matters worse there’s even an ‘inter monsoonal’ period, which occurs during October and the first part of November. Cricket is thus barely played during these two months, for rain is frequent.

Except of course when England travel. For the ODI schedule squarely sits during this period. Squatting like a toad. Unlike toads though, cricketers do not relish rainfall and play is currently abandoned in the first match.

What a shock. Cricket administrators have clearly not remembered those far off Geography lessons, for scheduling an overseas trip during October is pointless. You might as well host this series in England. Especially as today London is struck by an errant heatwave, with temperatures reaching up to 26 degrees. Even Manchester is warmer and sunnier than Dambulla. Where Mancunians flock to Blackpool beach, Eoin Morgan and his mates stare gloomily out at a tarpaulin covered outfield. Like our family holidays to the Peak District, their day will be spent playing Scrabble, reading newspapers and arguing. Memorable times.

Mind you the hosts won’t be keen on play resuming. After all, they’ve only won 8 of their last 22 ODI’s. Even losing a series to Zimbabwe. Who, by the way, would make an excellent score in Scrabble.

5) Hypocrisy

We end our 5 Lessons Learned This Week with Hypocrisy; something a few of you may know a bit about. How dare you have a go at me for being down the pub after school, when I spy this entire class drinking at ‘The Black Bull’ on Thursdays? Hypocrites the lot of ya! Never mind I’m washing my sorrows away every single day. Or indeed that you’re all 14…

Still hypocrites for calling me out. Just like everyone’s favourite South African born, England batsman KP. Who this week lambasted ex stars of the sport for not getting involved at a coaching level. In an interview with Sportsweek he singled out greats like Justin Langer, Matthew Hayden, Ricky Ponting, Curtly Ambrose, Courtney Walsh and Murali. Explaining how, ‘the sad part is quite a few of those are commentating but they are not in the game of cricket.’ Eh Kev? You’ve apparently forgotten that Langer coaches Australia and Pointing’s been assistant coach. Whilst Ambrose and Walsh have respectively been coaches of West Indies and Bangladesh. Bit awkward that mate.

Pietersen accused them of lazily adding to their bank accounts through commentating. Sniff, sniff. What’s that gassy, poisonous smell? Why I do believe it’s the hypocrisy coming out of KP’s ass.

Cover your nose and exit the class folks. That’s all the ‘wisdom’ for 5 Lessons Learned This Week. Your homework is to clean the dishes, empty the recycling and scrub the toilet. Here’s my house key. I’m off to join my fellow red nosed boozers down the pub. Class dismissed!