I really don’t want to be doing this right now… Welcome back to the second installment of Big Beavon Bashes a piece where I take everyone involved in the beautiful world of cricket and bash their skulls in with every last ounce of effort left in my body. As you can already tell I am not in the greatest of moods after watching my beloved Warwickshire side fail to qualify for the next round of the one-day tournament. However, it wasn’t as simple as a loss. It was the way we lost and I have a few names on my hit list. Make sure you’re strapped in as this could be a bumpy ride that may get me kicked off the site…   

Woeful Warwickshire   

Where the bloody hell do I start with this bunch of chokers. As you probably do not know Warwickshire had a very important game yesterday. In fact, it was a ‘winner takes all’ game against Worcestershire, and they completely bottled it. Ian Bell, Moeen Ali, Keith Barker, Ed Pollock and trusty old Jonathan Trott are all on my hit list. So where do I start? I’ll start with the sorry excuses of openers Trott and Pollock; they just ruined the day from the first over.   

Normally, Pollock and Trott are fairly useful openers and hardly ever let us down. However, they decided to let us down when it actually mattered and forgot how to bat completely. What I would give for the chance to bat their heads in right now. Pollock ended up being found out by Moeen after just facing six balls; pathetic. Hang on though, surely it didn’t matter as we had Trott still. Oh wait, twenty-four balls later and Moeen Ali took advantage of Trott’s horrendous footwork to get him lbw. We may as well have had Stephen Hawking at the crease. Unbelievable.   

Moeen Ali can sod off as well. So fed up of him making county cricket unfair; should be bloody banned from any matches other than England. Can’t wait to watch him fail for England in all these ODI’s after he decided to play a blinder in this game.   

Even my favorite guy in the world Ian Bell let us down. He was out for seventeen after batting poorly. And before you say it, no Worcestershire’s bowling wasn’t out of this world. It was the fact that our batting was so bad it actually made me wish I was Stevie Wonder.    

Right, I am going to take a quick break, for my keyboards sake, and talk about the positives I witnessed. We have some cracking batters down the order. Sam Hain was brilliant at number three but it was the partnership between Will Rhodes and Tim Ambrose. Rhodes was scooping everything that was coming to him and was on fire. Thanks to their partnership we managed to set a total of 292.   

Slippy Keith Barker   

I genuinely can’t believe what I’ve just witnessed. Our bowling wasn’t the greatest to start with but we started to gradually get into the innings. They needed 293 to win with Olly Stone trying his best at denying them any runs. However, Moeen decided he would transfer his bowling skills to his bat and hit 114 off 104 to really put the cat amongst the pigeons. It ended up with Worcestershire needing eleven runs off forty-something balls with two wickets remaining. Well up stepped big Keith Barker and with his final ball in his final over he managed an lbw, to leave the match dangling on either side. He was the hero of the moment!

But then he threw it all away. He managed to somehow mess up without even bowling or anything.   

They managed to get down to needing five, with getting four and drawing being enough to eliminate Warwickshire. Their batsman hit it towards the boundary and Keith Barker went to prevent the four they required. It was routine. Yet as he approached the ball, he slipped on his arse like Bambi taking his first steps, missed it and allowed the four runs that eliminated Warwickshire from the one-day tournament. What a bloody moron! Here was me thinking Trott’s footwork was bad.

I’ve watched it multiple times. Normally I’m the sort of person to laugh uncontrollably at people slipping over, even if it’s a four-year-old child. But I haven’t laughed at this yet. My mouth hasn’t even moved. However, there are a couple fingers that move every time I watch it. I’ll leave you to figure out which ones they are.  

To say I am pissed off is an understatement. Although if I was in front of Keith Barker right now, I wouldn’t do a single thing to him as he is one big bloke. In his hands a cricket bat looks like the wooden peg that you hang clothes up with. He genuinely scares me and I’m glad I can abuse him behind this screen rather than in person. Otherwise this series would be a very short one, to say the least.   

Buttler’s Batting Bonanza   

Can we just appreciate Jos Buttler’s batting ability? My God, it was something special in that second test match wasn’t it? I also may have been a bit too quick on judging Root on his captaincy. He made a fantastic review decision in the test match and you could see the happiness in his eyes when it came back as a successful one. It was a cracking way to put his middle finger up at the likes of me who slated him after that first test.   

Everyone was questioning Jos’ test squad call-up, everyone apart from myself. He’s been proving himself in T20 cricket and I know that is a completely different game to test match cricket but when you are as low down the order as he is, we could do with someone who can go out there, whack some balls and not get themselves out after twenty runs.   

Unfortunately, I have to go back to one day cricket as England have a few series coming up over the coming weeks. I can’t wait to see us fail against the likes of Scotland. Then we’ll be back to complaining about the country we all hate to watch but never fail to miss an innings.

Future Plans   

Now, onto some sad news that brings up some interesting opportunities for myself and the website. I am unfortunately unemployed at the minute. *Insert stock ‘aw’ audience sound* Meaning I have a lot of free time to go and watch the cricket. I currently do not know how to drive but I live about thirty minutes from the Derbyshire ground and I may go and watch a few games over the coming months.

Now, you are probably thinking, thanks for rubbing it in, go out and get yourself a job. However, this could mean I may potentially do a live blog on the website of the game. Or even, be given the Twitter account and live tweet. I highly doubt that second one will happen mind you. As the guy in charge has a brilliant way with tweets and I would just ruin that completely. Nevertheless, I thought it was an interesting idea and wanted to know your guy’s thoughts. I can’t wait for Alex to message me when this goes live and just laugh off the chances of that happening.    

Sod Off Keith Barker   

That’s where I am ending this week’s piece. My keyboard has sustained a beating and a half from me tonight; Stan Collymore will understand where I am coming from… Right, just quickly before Alex bans me from the site, I am off to drown my sorrows, but before I go, Keith Barker, if you happen to read this, go fu…

*ERROR OCCURRED – Stephen Beavon has been banned*