Reckon we all know the answer to this one. Absolutely everything. Most importantly if you’re an England cricket fan as at this precise moment in time (convenient for Episode Two), England have touched down in Australia. Ready to do battle in the ultimate test of international duty. Awaiting them are a foe as bitter as the cheap beer they swig from pumps. And no it doesn’t matter that Foster’s is actually produced in England. Although ironic how something we associate with being Australian actually comes under the remit of Her Majesty.

Just like cricket. It ain’t Australian, it’s English. However Down Under they’ll bark and bite with all the ferocity of wild dogs; rabid and restless. Sniping unimaginable curses towards the knights in blue helmets. For example, who can forget the disgusting treatment of Stuart Broad last time England travelled to the miserable island? You can be sure Steve Smith has been training his hunting dog David Warner, for this Aussie side will take no prisoners. Therefore faced with this onslaught players like Stoneman, Vince and Malan have much to prove. We take a look at how England may line up… for the airplane home!

One glimmer of hope lies behind the stumps. England have blistering Bairstow, but Australia have… well who exactly? To clarify they’ll take any keeper at this late stage. Even one who hasn’t played internationally for ten years. So any keeper will do! Hey, that reminds me of a song from the musicals. No prizes for guessing what happens in this episode…

We interview an Aussie who loves Legoland, get dirty with a racy leprechaun and play some fighting music. Most importantly all within 20 minutes. Oh and in addition attempt a bit of sensible build up.

This is your fans guide to the greatest show on earth! Joseph & The Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat! THE ASHES! Consequently what are you waiting for? Click the play button below and have a listen.

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