We’ll require a slice of soggy Cheddar cheese for this week’s Lads On Tour podcast episode.  As you’ll be Emmentally grateful after listening for England have gone full Stinking Bishop. Hence Whitto needs to Brie-ng his A game and cheer up. Which crumbles about as quickly as a block of Wensleydale. For England have been Gouda-ed by Australia and got themselves in a right pickle. Can you Muenster the strength to continue?

David Attenborough is undoubtedly the voice of nature and what’s more natural than Australia tonking England? Only once in the twenty-first century have the boys in baggy blue caps triumphed Down Under. Therefore we hear from Mr Attenborough as he describes the miserable defeat at Adelaide. Taking time out of his Blue Planet schedule it’s great to have Dave on the podcast! Not so great was the performance in the first innings by Anderson, Broad and co. Short, miserable bowling had Geoffrey in a right old mood. He’d love to shove his stick of rhubarb right up their bumholes! (Ed – I hope this is all perfectly innocent?) Of course – Jimmy’s balls rubbed raw by Boycs’ words!

The way England are playing this Aussie lineup could consist of a kangaroo, koala and kan of Foster’s. They would still dominate. It’s just as well Whitto receives zero payment for his punditry. As his prediction that ‘England are set for a massive total here’ was utter bollocks in the first innings.

Despite some superb bowling by Anderson in the second innings, which had them out for 148, England failed in their run chase. A fairytale ending? No chance! Gone, like Snow White choking on an apple, Ariel being harpooned by a whaler or Cinderella losing her cleaning job to those bloody immigrants. 2-0 down and all hope gone…

We attempt to turn that grimace into a grin… if we’re successful why not subscribe, tell your mates and most importantly rest your aching jaw muscles before the next cricket podcast?