At long last, a blissfully quiet week in cricket. Soothe yourself with that lullaby of peace. Tranquillity. Put those aching feet up and drape yourself on a cloud of calm, for nothing, absolutely nothing can shatter the serenity…. UNTIL YOU DISCOVER THAT AUSTRALIANS HAVE BEEN CHEATING AT CRICKET BY RUBBING THE BALL WITH SANDPAPER!!

It’s not often we require two exclamation marks but that is certainly the case with the breaking news story, which has gripped the entire sporting world. They say cricket is boring but by golly, isn’t it on the lips of every man, woman, child, cat, dog, canary and beaver? In possibly the most controversial week in cricket Whitto attempts to rub away the colossal mess. By using sandpaper of course. But unlike real sandpaper there is simply no way the story is smoothing over. For in an act of cheating not seen since Shane Warne bedded ever actress around, Australian cricket is in the ninth circle of hell.

During a televised test between the Aussies and South Africa, cameras pick up Cameron Bancroft appearing to scuff the ball with sticky tape. Naturally the question is put to Bannie and Steve Smith in the press conference, who state it’s merely a bit of tape to clean the ball. LIARS! The Australians deliberately smuggled sandpaper onto the outfield and sort to change the state of the ball. South Africa are incensed. Cricketing authorities are incensed. Whitto is incandescent, choking on this incense.

We reveal the truth behind #SandpaperGate, due to our hidden cameras in the Aussies dressing room. Was Bancroft really to blame or are we missing the criminal mastermind behind such a devilish deed? After all surely only one man twat could have though this up…

Whitto asks the big questions; Why did they cheat? What deal have B&Q got with the Aussies team? How raw is Bancroft’s willy?

With as much front as Cameron’s trousers we brazenly offer the truth on what happened.

Surreal doesn’t even cover it!